Refracted reality...

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...reality, at times, can be so much deceptive!
You think that you have found it, but then as you dig deeper, you realize how deep the rabbithole goes...

Silent witness...

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Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted.
-Albert Einstein
And when you start living a really happy life, you realize that there are so few things that really count! (when i say really happy, i mean it, no lying to oneself for being happy). And I am the most grateful to the power that makes everything exist. Life is so beautiful, isnt it?

Washed with light...

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"I found I could say things with color and shapes that I couldn't say any other way... things I had no words for."
-Georgia O'Keeffe

An Unofficial Rose...

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The paragraph is from Iris Murdoch's "The Unofficial Rose". Randall, a character in this novel, cultivates roses in the countryside. He is leaving his farm for good and is standing on his farm,among the roses, for the last time before departing.

"...The old roses were at the height of their season, and Randall stood still among them, completely absorbed into a heaven of vision. There were moments when he knew that he loved nothing in the world so much as he loved these roses; and that he loved them with a love of such transcendent purity that they made him,for a moment, like to themselves. He could have knelt before these flowers, wept before them, knowing them to be not only the most beautiful things in existance but the most beautiful things concievable. God in his dreams did not see anything lovelier. Indeed the roses were God and Randall worshipped.
Moving slightly in the breeze the intense little heads surrounded him and drowned him in their odour. Lifting a few towards them he looked with his ever new amazement at the close packed patterns of petals, these formulae that Nature never forgot, those forms that were the most desirable of all things and so exquisite that it was impossible to carry them in belief and memory through the winter; so that every year one saw them as if for the first time and as they must have looked like in the Garden of Eden when in a felicitous moment God said: let there be roses..."

Gin-Soaked...

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I am the darkness in the light
I am the leftness in the right
I am the rightness in the wrong
I am the shortness in the long
I am the goodness in the bad
I am the saneness in the mad
I am the sadness in the joy
I am the gin in the gin-soaked boy

I am the ghost in the machine
I am the genius in the gene
I am the beauty in the beast
I am the sunset in the east
I am the ruby in the dust
I am the trust in the mistrust
I am the trojan horse in troy
I am the gin in the gin-soaked boy

I am the tigers empty cage
I am the mysterys final page
I am the strangers lonely glance
I am the heros only chance
I am the undiscovered land
I am the single grain of sand
I am the christmas morning toy
I am the gin in the gin-soaked boy

I am the world youll never see
I am the slave youll never free
I am the truth youll never know
I am the place youll never go
I am the sound youll never hear
I am the course youll never steer
I am the will youll not destroy
I am the gin in the gin-soaked boy

I am the half-truth in the lie
I am the why not in the why
I am the last roll of the die
I am the old school in the tie
I am the spirit in the sky
I am the catcher in the rye
I am the twinkle in her eye
I am the jeff goldblum in the fly

Who am i?
- "Gin-Soaked Boy" by Divine Comedy

Beyond Faith...

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Writtn by Leutenant Bruce E Davis (Battle of Arnhem, World War 2 - 1944)

"...I am not trying to sound courageous, for courage was commonplace and heroism was the rule. God knows i was badly scared a good deal of the time...
...I learned this from the Arnhem operation, that men, born and bred as freemen, have a great strength and will power which they distrust until they need it. I saw men who were hungry, exausted, hopelessly outnumbered, men who by all the rules of warfare should have gladly surrendered to have it all over with, who were shelled until they were helpless psychopathics; and through it all they laughed, sang and died, and kept fighting.... "

Our own Independence day is near. There are very few people living today who have seen the pre-independence India and to tell us that freedom comes at a cost. Time makes things look faded, and we tend to feel that the spirit of independence day has become diluted. But i do believe what the Leutenant said above, that, "...men, born and bred as freemen, have a great strength and will power which they distrust until they need it" and that, if crisis comes, WE as India will stand united.
Also, many people today dont know that during World War-II, there were indian soldiers too, who faught against Axis Powers in Burma, north-africa and southern Europe under British command. During World War II the Indian Army became the largest all-volunteer force in history, rising to over 2.5 million men in size. There were total of 2,582,000 indian soldiers on various fronts, indians had 86,838 casualties, 64,354 wounded and 79,481 taken prisoners of war. There were 30 Victoria Crosses, the highest military decoration awarded for valour "in the face of the enemy" to members of the armed forces.
Last but not the least,
Jai Hind!!!

Milipede...

Photo by - Endevourme
Location : Public transport bus in pune. It is fully packed as usual and i have managed to grab a seat. After 2 stops an old woman gets in and is standing nearby. Following is what goes on in my mind.

You must get up and give her your seat.
No! i have to travel quite far, i have done a big fight to get this place so i must remain seated, i must!
You are young and healthy, look at her, she is so old. Standing for half an hour is nothing for you.
But its so much burden for her. Cant you see?
Would she even feel grateful? i have given seat in the past and people dont just bother to even thank you. They think it was anyway my duty to give them my seat.
How does it matter whether they feel gratitude? you must help if you can.
These are all social doctrines, as i have found out, most of them are wrong or relative. This preaching is just to maintain a manageable social atmosphere, nothing else.
It is your moral responsibility to help her.
Moral responsibility? huh! why dont you go and help people on weekends instead of enjoying your days out? there are loads of them needing help!
See you always have to choose between you and others, isnt it?
Yes thats right, but this is nothing, you dont have to do much, its just about standing up for a while! you must give her your seat!
See, these buses are always full, always, and there are old people coming in, does that mean you shouldnt sit at all? and by the way, there are so many young people sitting around and not a single person cares about the old lady, why do you have to?
What others do or dont has nothing to do with your helping people, isnt it?
It has! see now, if i do give her seat, i will grab atleast some attention from onlookers, and what they are going to think?'look he is trying to be a showoff!, is he trying to impress the girl standing there?' and besides, it will do good for her to stand, if she is poor and cant afford going by auto she must get habit of standing, so standing will be good for her!
What a horrible thinking! she is a poor old woman, cant you see?
Its getting ugly and its a sin.
It isnt horrible, i am just trying to say that you must desensitise yourself in order to survive. There are much more horrors in this world. You must learn to live with all this disorder. And you can do lot of things for 'poor old people' on weekends huh?, why dont you do it? Isnt it a sin when you enjoy life when there are loads of people needing help?
hmmm...
And there is nothing like sin, these are age old absolete concepts, just to make people feel guilty so that they get sense of so called 'social responsibility'. And you have been good to people in the past, what happened? Did anyone help you when you were in need? And these are collective responsibilites, arent they? Why should you, only you, when there are others who just dont bother? You must learn to ignore all this, you cant fight everything, things dont work like that.
The old woman gets an empty seat after a few minutes, and the chapter is closed for me.

The call...

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(Warning:Sad post ahead)
Does Heaven Have a Phone Number?

Mommy went to Heaven, but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down; I need her right away,
Operator, can you tell me how to find her in this book?

Is heaven in the yellow part? I don't know where to look.
I think my daddy needs her too; at night I hear him cry.
I hear him call her name sometimes, but I really don't know why.

Maybe if I call her, she will hurry home to me.
Is Heaven very far away, is it across the sea?
She's been gone a long, long time; she needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her, but I simply don't know how.

Help me find the number please, is it listed under "Heaven"?
I can't read these big, big words; I am only seven.
I'm sorry, operator, I didn't mean to make you cry,
Is your tummy hurting too, or is there something in your eye?

If I call my church maybe they will know.
Mommy said when we need help, that's where we should go.
I found the number to my church tacked up on the wall.
Thank you operator, I'll give them a call.
-Anonymous

Water...

Photo by - Endevourme

Its a dry afternoon and the watch shows three

i stand near the tap,
leasurely, on one leg,
another hanging free

i think nothing, i just see,
reflections on water,
soft, still and green

the window is open,
there is a hint of wind,
i do nothing, i just breathe

i fill the glass,
with clear, pure water

half full - half empty?
why should i care?

i put it to my mouth, drinking it in
slowly, quietly, stopping in between

it tastes sweetish but not quite sweet
transparent, cool, liquid, flowing with ease

for just a moment, the water is me,
but once the moment has passed,
there wont be water,
but just me.

the glass will be empty, that is for sure,
but then, why should i care?

And the award goes to...

Photo by - Endevourme

Emotions really exist at the bottom of the personality or at the top. In the middle they are acted. This is why world is a stage, and why the theater is always popular and indeed why it exists: why it is like life, and it is like life even though it is also the most vulgar and outrageously factitious of all the arts.
- Iris Murdoch (lines from "The sea, the sea")

Simpli-5...

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...entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity.

- Franciscan friar William of Ockham.

(more commonly known as "Occam's Razor")

All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best.

Deja Vu...

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I will be back to pune after 3 long years. These three years were full of experiences. And they taught me so much, especially because i was away from my family. It is a real good experience to live independently, maybe everyone should try, at least for a few years.
Most of the pics i post here were taken in pune on short trips, and since now i am full time in pune, hope i can take better pics. And maybe i will change blog style too, because as my lifestyle gets better and better(and...simpler!), i find less and less to write. Again the same question comes to mind which i posted in my first post, Why do we complicate things so much?

Photo Courtesy - Google

I will be off to Greenland on holidays with friends from office. Greenland is not at all green but its ice everywhere. Someone told me they fool people by giving that name, so as to make people go there HeeHee :). Leaving hubby at the mercy of maids is what makes me worry.
Reminds me of this song from Armageddon...

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', this early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could cry

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back, I'll wear your wedding ring

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, let me kiss you
Close your eyes, I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the time when I don't have to say
I am leaving on a jet plane... :)

Quotology

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I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

If I could be any part of you, I’d be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about.

There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it does not come back, it was never meant to be.

Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry.

Cheers!!!
-Asmita :)

Borderline...

Photo by - Endevourme
"A proper man loves a woman on three levels: as a dear child who is to be chided, perhaps even punished on account of her unreasonableness, and who is protected and taken care of because one loves her. Then as wife and as a loyal, understanding comrade who fights through life with one, who stands faithfully at one’s side without hemming in or chaining the man and his spirit. And as a goddess whose feet one must kiss, who gives one strength through her feminine wisdom and childlike, pure sanctity that does not weaken in the hardest struggles and in the ideal hours gives one heavenly peace."

Ironically, these lines were written by Heinrich Himmler, who, during Nazi regime of Hitler, arranged for systematic murder of over 9-million people in concentration camps.

Days of waiting...

Photo by - Endevourme
Some times you just run out of options. All options are equally bad. All you have in hand is to sit back and wait. Wait for alternatives to open up, for stalemates to break. These are times when you feel helpless and dependent. Your future depends on people who have no right to choose for you. But you can do nothing. You cant even argue, for arguing might be taken for hostility. And keeping quiet might be the only way to steer clear out of troubles. These are the times when you feel that head on troubles are better than long standing, slow, pulsating pain. When time seems to have stopped and mind seems to have become numb. Dark clouds float in the sky, but it doesnt rain. Suffocating dampness fills everything. All the colours seem to have faded. Everything is dark, everything is gray. Happy chatter seems like unbearable noise and warm smiles seem like deliberate torture. Days of stagnation and dead quietness when shadow of the evil looms in the background.

Numbers are not everything

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"One french apple cake, Please", the sentence wrooms out of my mouth and S starts getting mentally prepared for another twenty minutes of nothing- to-do-but- just-to-sit session in the cafeteria. It is crowded today and there are whirls of people moving around. There are unintelligible human voices everywhere and we have to shout to make the other one listen. S is healthy-turning-plump girl-turning-lady trying to improve her maths using arithmetic of calories. S has said a prompt 'no' to most of the eatables in the menu and is trying to eat some salad which as i found out had only boiled vegetables in it. How she manages to eat 'that' is something i will never understand and i will prefer to be fat than eating 'that'. The cake arrives and we see that there are four cherries they have put in for garnish. I nod my head towards S prompting her to taste the cake. She says,'no', rolling her round face sideways. I carefuly lift one cherry in a spoon and give it to her. She takes the cherry while trying to hide her reluctance and puts it into her mouth. Two seconds pass. She cant hide her face becoming cheerful as the sweetness spreads in her mouth. The cherry is finished, and she looks around helplessly, desperately fighting thoughts of eating more. I push the plate towards her side and her patience is lost. She picks up the spoon again and cuts a small bite. I am fighting like a kid to eat as much as i can, competing with her and simultaneously acting like a grown up not to show that i am fighting. The cake is finished and S is drowned in guilt feeling. She looks miserable but i manage to divert her attention towards a nice couple sitting there. We laugh like two college going girls and we start walking back to the office. There is a weighing machine near the door, i see that, i dont want S to feel more guilty so i try to rush ahead but after few paces i look back and i see S standing on the scale with gloomy dark clouds on her face.
Next morning i get a call from S, asking me if she can join me for jogging and,"if you can wait till i come there...?". I say OK and she arrives fifteen minutes later wearing a purchased-with- enthusiasm-but-never- worn-before tracksuit. We start. I actually dont jog but out of habit i run and being tall adds to my pace. Since it is her first time, i try to keep in pace with her so as to make her feel comfortable. She jogs awkwardly and her motion is something in between running and galloping. I try to ignore faces of people looking at us. Hardly two hundred meters and S is red in face and she is struggling for breath. I stop and make her sit. She prompts me to go ahead till the time she rests. I give a sigh of relief without showing it and finish my usual two kilometers track. When i come back i see S has made a face that looks like a lost child on a busy street. She is almost in tears and after seeing me she is actually in tears. She tries to talk but what comes out is just some strange sounds. I take her home, make her drink some orange juice. "You know asmi, i thought if i jog like you everyday i will also be like you",she says.
I didnt tell her that i dont gain weight even if i dont run for months and even if eat like a dog. Thats the way my body is. Better to keep her hope than to disappoint her. S came for jogging for a week and then stopped. She has gained a couple of pounds lately. Had she come regularly.....well.....i dont know..... :)

Dewed

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Place:Hotel Sheraton
Occasion:Usual-phoney-boring-formal-lunch

People:Me, A(My hubby) and G(A's guest)

The hall looks too big even for the occasion of a party. There are few
tables, placed widely enough to give privacy. Three of us are seated at the table with me in the middle, A on my right and G on the left. Now introduction is over, the order has been fired and an unbearable period of waiting has started. Occasionally waiters in impeccable white clothes hover around with hurried quickness. Out of boredom i observe them as if i am seeing a waiter for the first time. A and G are discussing business, i nod at certain moments to show that i am listening and manage to smile when other two laugh. G is a fat man of about forty with a wife and two kids, he is wearing a suite for the occasion and a tie.
Our waiter comes back, bows a little and tells that the wine we ordered, isn't in the stock and 'if you would you like to order something else...?'.
For a few moments A is placing the order, i am looking at the waiter and i find that G is looking at me. I need not look at his face to see that, in a hurried moment he observes me, his eyes start from my face, first to make sure that i am not looking at him. Then to my hair, to lips, to the motion of my earrings, to my shoulders and following contours of my hands all the way to my wrists resting on the table. His eyes see the ring in my finger with a shining diamond in it and his glance jumps. Just at the same time A has finished placing the order and he turns to us. His face is normal and I wonder whether he has noticed. We wait for a few more minutes, for the order to be served, and during this time occasionally G's eyes rush to my hands resting on the table. This is not new to me. A typical sight, helpless begging eyes, waiting for a chance to look at beauty. I am indifferent and i choose not to care. I allow appropriate number of moments to pass and then i lift my hands off the table and keep them on my lap. I straighten myself up to keep my face away from the table. G has probably taken the clue and he prefers not to look at me again.
The lunch is over and A and myself are on our way back home. I am driving, as i always do. For a long time A is silent, rare for him on an occasion like this. "Tired?", i ask. "No", he smiles. "I love the ring i gave you Asmi, quite appropriate for an occasion like this". I look at him, my eyes wide, startled."You noticed...?", i ask."Yes i did"."Did you get angry?", i ask. "No dear, i owned you more in that one hour than i do now".

Forever & ever

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He comes home after a hectic trans-atlantic flight. I open the door and find him standing outside, all thinned out and sleepy. I give a sigh of relief and welcome him. Though tired, he manages to smile and tells how healthy i look like. He comes in and sits down on the sofa. His throat is dry and i give him a glass of water. He drinks slowly, trying to get our house back into his senses. "Everything looks just the same", he says. I give a silent nod. "Not that I expected something". "hmmm...I know", i reply. He smiles back. I sit next to him, on the floor and look at him closely. His face has become greasy and his shirt is crumpled. His shirt is folded at forearms and his hands are lying limply on the sides of sofa. I lift my hand from the floor and place it next to his. His masculine and strong, mine thin and delicate. "You know asmi, i want it to be always like this, just what we are now, you and me, do you understand?", he asks. I say,"i do", looking into his eyes. "For all this time, i always felt you near myself", he says."I did too dear", i reply," but I missed you terribly". A tear rolls down my cheek and he sees that. He leans down close to me , we look at each other and i see how gentle his face looks like. "Did anyone tell you that you look horrible when you cry?". That makes me laugh, "Why did you go away then?", i ask. But this is not a question, and both of us understand that.

Haunted by dreams...

Photo by - Endevourme
Memoirs of unknown reality boil up to surface
when why how....they dont care

they live through my mind
easily and effortlessly
like ghosts living in a haunted house
they belong here, but not me

they own my mind more than i do
and my imagination helps them more than it does to me

to avoid them, i lie restless and fully awake
cause ghosts dont come during daytime,
but i know they are there somewhere
and they appear when i least expect them

fear is reigned by the unknown and the unseen
and faith seems to run away only when i need

dreams of an unseen reality start to come true
while line between dreams and reality
grows thinner and thinner...