Red...

Photo by - Endevourme

Its was much long time back. I was too young then. May be in 5th standard. There was a building in front of our old house. Once we wanted to fly a kite, my brother, my uncle and I. So up we went. 6 floors up. It was so high. When we reached the terrace, they told me to be careful, not to go near the edge. I didnt understand why they are telling so. I just obeyed them.
If only then...had i just walked...maybe a few paces...and that would be the end of me.
But i didnt.
...for the first time because they told me so
...some years later because i was afraid that it will be so much pain
...sometimes because i was afraid i might live and i will be crippled
...sometimes because i thought i will give myself one more day
...sometimes because i thought nobody would care, they will forget and then it will be in vain
...sometimes because i thought it is cowardness not to face life
...sometimes because i had promised myself in one desperate sad moment, 'i wont..'
...sometimes because i thought i must live for others, cause they have done so much for me
...sometimes because i thought there is still some hope
So many different reasons, but they kept me from crossing that border.
If i could fully believe in traditional concept of god then i would say that, we dont come in this world of our own will. He created us. Thats exactly why he gave us this option, option to end our own life with our own will. This is a test, for him, and he has to convince us that life is worth living so that we dont choose this option. If we lose, he loses. There is this border where sanity ends. Once we cross that, we give our soul to all that filth in the world that we have been hating all along. Crossing that border is when we yield, we give up. Thats when we lose.
Closest to god in my mind is nature and when i really started understanding nature is when i understood that not only life is worth living but rather life is the most important creation as well. It convinced me why the filth i have been hating for so long is necessory and how without that filth this beauty wouldnt exist. We see this insane headless monster outside because of the headless monster of ignorance that lies in our own mind.
And this god, our beautiful nature, gives me only one option...to live.