3 Faces of endevourme...I

Photo by - Endevourme

Face-I Outer Me
OuterMe is the person people see when they meet me. The practical side of me, the person who deals with uncertainties and not so perfect side of life. His basic aim is nothing but to survive and to be sane and many times more than this is luxary. Our world is where things can and often do, go wrong. Not that he expects negative things to happen but just that he wants to be mentally prepared. He was perhaps born at the wrong place at the wrong time(nature)and surrounded by people which were themselves not so perfect(nurture). He had a rough childhood, often bullied, outnubered by others where people force impression on your mind,'you dont deserve to exist'. But since he has grown up, he doesnt mind, he accepts the world and people in it as it is. World is imperfect and thats a fact. What people do is just what they do,and we cant reason with them on their terms about what they did to you. And now sometimes when he sees their miserable condition he wonders whether to blame them or to pity them. Impressions of childhood still bother him but he accepts them and even manages to live with them. So as far as life situations are concerned he has only one rule.'Face it!'. He does just that,and he is quite good at that. Its not that he has come out victorious always cause he is a real person. He failed, not always but many times, its not that he is of the unbreakable kind. He broke, often, but sooner or later he recovered. He rarely dreams, for himself, he thinks they make him unstable and he will even ask, 'why to dream when you know that they will never come true?' be practical . So people see him as a low maintenance fellow with a simple lifestyle, not much talkative and bit of reserved. But once you become aquainted then he is a good company. He has friends, not so close cause since childhood he has drawn a circle of caution around himself. And at any cost he will not let you know what lies inside that line. But whatever people think about him, i like him. Most importantly because he has his priorities right, he thinks straight and he is sane. And he has not done bad, he did quite a good career inspite of some of the failures that he had. He faced failures and came up well. There are times when he does more than his expectations but as always he keeps doing a reality check. He is bit hard on himself, with a strict routine and minimal lifestyle. He doesnt have much preferences. He will accept things uncomplainingly. Very few things are perfect, thats what he thinks. He evaluates many things based on their utility and that makes him look emotionaly insensitive. Emotions have given him more pain and misery and they often caused more harm than good. Like others, he never had a guide,people to support and help. And that made him grow independent. If you dont get help outside, you have to help yourself. Read, think, imagine, work and get things done, by facing them.
On a typical saturday morning , you can see him drinking tea at a roadside stall, sitting just next to a daily wage worker and he is at peace sitting there just like that. Thats what keeps him connected to a practical day to day life. Plain down to earth life where main aim is just to exist. He knows that there are people, many people who face life harder and uncertain than himself and no work is good or bad when you do it for survival.
OuterMe is what protects me and thats what makes him sometimes look harsh and insensitive. By being so he protects a hidden, more sensitive side of me. For most of my life i lived primarily as OuterMe. Slowly, over time, he kept learning and kept growing up, understanding better how the world works. And then came a time when he started outperforming himself, sometimes doing things he never thought possible. Then came more dreams for himself, more expectations and more pain. He is efficient, he is good and i adore him but this new life started making him unstable. Many facets of myself started coming into light, but i coudnt accomodate them into this OuterMe. OuterMe is an efficient survival machine, but now nature wanted more out of me. It wanted me to heal, and healing needs you to be sensitive. This person coudnt do that. I was growing, and i needed dreams, mostly to clarify what i really want. They help you to unlearn and help you think more freely. Old habits dont die easily. OuterMe started applying reality checks on my imagination and utility checks on my creativity. I was in a conflict. But i needed OuterMe, for his ability to survive, to go on and on for years, a life which was empty.
Dreams rest on imagination. Sanity rests on reality. And I needed both. Hence it became necessory, to split.