3 faces of endevourme...III

Photo by - Endevourme
Please read earlier two posts if you have not read, to understand this one better.

When i decided to split the roles, i thought i will have to deal with two personalities and it will be convenient. I was right, but only partially, life became simpler really. But then happened something that i had not earlier thought of. Even after splitting, my mind kept itself integrated. There were OuterMe, DreaMe and yet another Me, my integrated self. Our mind always shows us life as a consistant story. We go through life as a sequence of experiences and our 'self' is what binds this story together, story which we call as 'my life'. If there are two different personalities which are inaccessible to each other then there are two different stories, which is inconsistant(something similar happens with dissociative identity disorder or split personality). But a sane mind is self-organizing. My mind kept itself consistant, with an integrated third personality, an integrated self or Me, the story of whom encapsulates everything. This Me is what keeps everything bound together, it decides to switch between the other two and full range of capacities is accessible to it. Now why do i switch to one end or the other? why cant i stay always as Me?Me is highly powerful but Me is also highly complex, complex to such an extent that he tends to seem irrational. To our mind, OuterMe and DreaMe are two extreme ends, handling them at the same time is difficult. We see people which are down to earth, which stick to die hard reality, facing imperfect side of life. We also see people who are imaginative and sensitive. But we rarely see a person who is blend of both. Different types of people are successful in different ways but i wanted to give chance to most of the abilities that i have. Having an integrated Me as a combined OuterMe and DreaMe makes my life extremely complex. It leads to lot of internal conflicts, because these two personalities have different goals and different needs. But when i become one or the other, the goals are perfectly defined, i know what exactly i need to do, and that reduces conflicts greatly. Mind is more focused and it is more efficient as well. If i am at office and i get tonnes of workload, i switch to OuterMe, person who deals with crisis efficiently and coolly, without expecting much and accepting that things can go wrong. If i am at home and comfortable, my mind switches to DreaMe, a gentle, refined and sensitive person. If i start being sensitive at work, i wont be able handle it and if i stick to strict schedule at home then i wont be able to enjoy my hobbies. Both the personalities serve different purposes and both have different needs too. OuterMe is more 'problem oriented', his purpose of existance is to solve problems. If there are no problems then he is of no use. We dont need army if we know there wont be any war. DreaMe is vulnerable and he needs to be protected. Like everything else, nothing is completely black or completely white, but rather we have multiple shades of gray. Sometimes i need creative instincts at work, some shades of ideas which make my work simpler and more interesting. Also, imagination happens to be a crucible where i try out my behaviour while dealing with real people. These are the times when i am gray, i am somewhere in between.

It is a damp cloudy afternoon of rainy season. I am sitting in the corridor in front of my house. There is a cat resting on my lap. Simple creature with a simple mind. We are relaxed, witnessing the drag of a slow afternoon. After some time, wind starts blowing hard and along with that, it starts bringing few drops of rain too. Slowly the drizzling picks up speed and it starts pouring. The atmosphere is filled with a steady sound of rain. Slowly, at some places small ponds begin to form. Water accumulates, and it flows. I can see drops of water on leaves, on blades of grass. The wind is still blowing and along with that it brings small droplets of water, in sudden bursts of fine droplets. I feel the drops on my skin, the cat can feel them too and we together share a moment. A moment when we, the living things, feel. Moments that show us the promise, promise of creation, promise of existance, promise of new life. Moments of existance when my dreams look faded. Both of us see that and both of us feel the freshness and liveliness, almost exactly the same way.

These are moments when it doesnt matter what you are or who you are. Doesnt matter what you do to survive or how complex you are. Just matters is that you exist. Its such a wonder that life exists...and that we exist.