Why so many colors?

Photo Courtesy - Google

It was a week before the markets crashed. I was talking to daddy on phone about what should be the theme for his bought-for-cheap-now-being-renovated hotel at jaipur. He always asks me about aesthetics and stuff like that and values my opinions more than my dear bro's. Suddenly he became serious and asked in grave voice,'Asmi you did quite well in the past one year and i am very happy, you know, i always felt you too had that sense of what is good'. The fact was I did lot of humpty dumpty investments initially without asking him and finally ended up wasting some of my hard earned salaried money. I bootstrapped and was doing good for almost a year now and this was the first time dad was appreciating me. 'But beta it is bit tricky now and this time you have to do as i say', he said. I became cautious, when he is serious he means it. He fired some rapid instructions as to what to keep what to sell and all that. I took the day off and started doing just exactly as he had said. Its bit difficult you know to do transactions with different currencies for indian markets sitting in canada. Hubby happened to check our account in the afternoon and he become worried. He called me up and asked,'what are you upto?'. I just said,'dad told dear'. He said,'ok, go ahead'. The thing is though my hubby is quite young-and-lucky-notsoproud-but-succesful businessman, he is afraid of my dad. Quite so. Might be because dad has capacity to feed us and our next 7 generations happily, if he decides to. After a week or so the markets collapsed but we were already on the safer side. When i talked to hubby after that he just said,'hmmm... i knew that would happen'. Simply men, cant help them with their ego.

But my dad rarely becomes serious like this with me. Before marriage when i was pathetically-working-all-day-to-get-middleclass-salary and then throwing all money down the drain on silly-immature-market-speculation, he kept cool. As I am very proud girl (my name also implies that :)) , i wouldnt tell dad that i lost money so stupidly but ultimately he used to find out everything from my mother. He never discussed it though, he would just see that i am sad and then he would pull me out to play golf. He looks you know like a high cultured raymond-complete-man who was born-to-play-golf! But he was not born like that, i know, and mom knows better :)

Asmita-Tagged!!!

Photo Courtesy - Google
E'me has told to write 6 random things about myself. He told me this is called tag in blogsworld. So here we go! enjoy maadi :-)
1. I own two horses. Alex and Nikki. Yes, these names come from 'Fullhouse', my all time favourite! They are with my dad now along with 6 of his own.
2. I met my hubby 2 months back and now it seems like a long time. TeeHee!.
3. I hate all men who try to give emotional support just because i am away from my hubby. I dont need them, perhaps they do. Sometimes i wish i werent as good looking as i am now.
4. I have 19 pairs of footwear. I never wear most of them!
5. My dad is the most important man in my life. Hubby comes next HeeHee :)
6. When i was young, i used to dream of being a housewife like my mom. Guess it will never come true!
I have been told that after this i have to tag someone. I would love to do this but i dont know anyone here, so whoever wants can take it happily :)

3 faces of endevourme...III

Photo by - Endevourme
Please read earlier two posts if you have not read, to understand this one better.

When i decided to split the roles, i thought i will have to deal with two personalities and it will be convenient. I was right, but only partially, life became simpler really. But then happened something that i had not earlier thought of. Even after splitting, my mind kept itself integrated. There were OuterMe, DreaMe and yet another Me, my integrated self. Our mind always shows us life as a consistant story. We go through life as a sequence of experiences and our 'self' is what binds this story together, story which we call as 'my life'. If there are two different personalities which are inaccessible to each other then there are two different stories, which is inconsistant(something similar happens with dissociative identity disorder or split personality). But a sane mind is self-organizing. My mind kept itself consistant, with an integrated third personality, an integrated self or Me, the story of whom encapsulates everything. This Me is what keeps everything bound together, it decides to switch between the other two and full range of capacities is accessible to it. Now why do i switch to one end or the other? why cant i stay always as Me?Me is highly powerful but Me is also highly complex, complex to such an extent that he tends to seem irrational. To our mind, OuterMe and DreaMe are two extreme ends, handling them at the same time is difficult. We see people which are down to earth, which stick to die hard reality, facing imperfect side of life. We also see people who are imaginative and sensitive. But we rarely see a person who is blend of both. Different types of people are successful in different ways but i wanted to give chance to most of the abilities that i have. Having an integrated Me as a combined OuterMe and DreaMe makes my life extremely complex. It leads to lot of internal conflicts, because these two personalities have different goals and different needs. But when i become one or the other, the goals are perfectly defined, i know what exactly i need to do, and that reduces conflicts greatly. Mind is more focused and it is more efficient as well. If i am at office and i get tonnes of workload, i switch to OuterMe, person who deals with crisis efficiently and coolly, without expecting much and accepting that things can go wrong. If i am at home and comfortable, my mind switches to DreaMe, a gentle, refined and sensitive person. If i start being sensitive at work, i wont be able handle it and if i stick to strict schedule at home then i wont be able to enjoy my hobbies. Both the personalities serve different purposes and both have different needs too. OuterMe is more 'problem oriented', his purpose of existance is to solve problems. If there are no problems then he is of no use. We dont need army if we know there wont be any war. DreaMe is vulnerable and he needs to be protected. Like everything else, nothing is completely black or completely white, but rather we have multiple shades of gray. Sometimes i need creative instincts at work, some shades of ideas which make my work simpler and more interesting. Also, imagination happens to be a crucible where i try out my behaviour while dealing with real people. These are the times when i am gray, i am somewhere in between.

It is a damp cloudy afternoon of rainy season. I am sitting in the corridor in front of my house. There is a cat resting on my lap. Simple creature with a simple mind. We are relaxed, witnessing the drag of a slow afternoon. After some time, wind starts blowing hard and along with that, it starts bringing few drops of rain too. Slowly the drizzling picks up speed and it starts pouring. The atmosphere is filled with a steady sound of rain. Slowly, at some places small ponds begin to form. Water accumulates, and it flows. I can see drops of water on leaves, on blades of grass. The wind is still blowing and along with that it brings small droplets of water, in sudden bursts of fine droplets. I feel the drops on my skin, the cat can feel them too and we together share a moment. A moment when we, the living things, feel. Moments that show us the promise, promise of creation, promise of existance, promise of new life. Moments of existance when my dreams look faded. Both of us see that and both of us feel the freshness and liveliness, almost exactly the same way.

These are moments when it doesnt matter what you are or who you are. Doesnt matter what you do to survive or how complex you are. Just matters is that you exist. Its such a wonder that life exists...and that we exist.

3 faces of endevourme...II

Photo by - Endevourme
Face-II DreaMe and his pond of dreams
Someday...i would like to climb mount everest and see sunrise from the top, looking at the thick blanket of clouds below
Someday...i would like to be a new born baby and start it fresh all over again
Someday...i would like to join back perfectly a broken glass
Someday...i would like to swim in the blue ocean and play with dolphins
Someday...i would like to fly like a bird on vast unending land, then cross borders without passport and visa, and think what i lost and what i gained being a human
Someday...i would like to go to the moon, point my finger towards beautiful earth and say "do u see that blue planet?.... you know i have been there..."
Someday...i would like to go straight, take left then go straight, take left go straight, take left go straight and then wonder how i reached the same place again
Someday...i would like to live in a jungle, get drenched in rain and then drink hot fuming tea
Someday...i would like to grow very very old, and then sit in a chair and tell big...big...stories to small.. small.. children
Someday...i would like to sit relaxed in sand, sipping orange juice listening to the music of waves
Someday...i would like to become a crow and join weekly meeting of crows on our terrace, discussing conspiracy about yesterday's rain , 'Yeh saajish hain boondonki...'
Someday...i would like to become a music director, deremix® 'oooo hoozoooooor...' and make a new album on gramophone
Someday...i would like to discuss with Albert Einstein about solution on corruption and see all his hair standing up straight
Someday...i would like to run alone in Olympics, and win first second and third place at the same time
Someday...i would like to dive deep into ocean where Titanic sank and find the diamond necklace dropped by Rose
Someday...i would like to lie down below clear open black sky on a cold night with a blanket, counting stars, wondering how small we are...
Someday...i would like to find the key, open the door and run through vast open grass field and shout, 'i.... am...... free...'
Someday...i would like to know, why HE made me?...

I know perfectly that very few wishes like these will come true in my lifetime. But does being so make them less precious? We cant always measure things based on whether they are possible or not. We are small, we are imperfect and we live in a world which is imperfect. Thats why we have been given imagination, to see things which dont exist so that even if the world around you is imperfect, you still can have a taste of perfection.
Earlier i used to dream for myself, as everyone does, but then mind doesnt free itself, rather it tends to stick to reality. So now the person who lives in my dreams is not OuterMe but is another face of me, he is DreaMe. A character whose purpose is just only that, to exist in my dreams.
DreaMe lives a perfect life. He was born at the right time at the right place(nature) surrounded by people which were themselves perfect(nurture). He was born somewhere around 1920 because i love the good old times. People and life both were so simple. He was brought up in a well cultured family. He is not too rich to be spoilt and not too less to worry about money, rather, the concern of money doesnt come up in dreams. He is well educated, had an education without mental tensions(before this i didnt know that education can be so wonderful, it can make creativity inside you boil). He is decent, well mannered, mannerism means only comfortable one which comes from natural social freeness. There is also a she perfect. She is beautiful, she is calm, they are a perfect match and they have the loveliest life together. Fortunately we have ample love songs and many of them go perfectly with their moments of affection. Its really wonderful how our mind can show us a world by blending reality(music) with imagination. Here life is not at all fast but it drags much slowly. There is enough time to communicate feelings and easy unhurriedness to appreciate precious moments. His life has drama because there is a sensuous pleasure in drama especially in anticipating good moments. There is uncertainty but situations always end up in happy endings.
The purpose of dreaming like this is not to run away from reality because remember that OuterMe is facing it. Rather the purpose is to come closer to reality, in a more final sense. As a child we see a fresh world, with a surprise of seeing a new creation. But as we grow up we stop getting surprises. We think this is because we are grown ups and we know so much. But infact the reason is not that we have grown up but that we have stopped exploring, we have stopped seeing. As we grow up and we mature, gradually our vision gets coloured. We see the world from point of view of our 'self', with respect to our identity, identity which is a concept of what we think we are. As i grew up i found myself changing and there is a huge difference between what i was few years back and what i am now. If i see the world from the point of view of my older self then it looks like a really horrible place. But if i see it now, then, its not that bad after all. We are not born in a perfect environment and not all of us are young and with impeccable health with a clean mind. But if we were, then would we see the world in the same way? We put limits on the way we see the possibilities because the possibilities are for 'us', or rather for what we think of ourselves. But if we had a perfect unbiased mind then we would have seen things in a much better perspective than we do now.
It really takes effort to imagine your own self, with a healthy, open, free mind. We always carry our imperfections, our guilts, our expectations with us, even to our dreams. At some point of time we decide,'yes, this is me, this is how the world is, this is my life and this is what will happen to me'. Our entire life runs around this,'me' and somewhere we settle down to that. We stop exploring. We form a concept of world,'this is how it is' and we stick to it. We just dont have the courage to go and see what lies outside because we think it will give pain to us. But while doing so we also miss the good part of it. Most important thing to do is to accept, accept what is good and what is not. Few years back I too started accepting, i stopped lying to myself that i am satisfied with everything that exists in the world and the way things are. This was when i really grew up. It takes courage, courage to accept that some things are not perfect instead of just being satisfied with whatever is thrown to us. It is painful to accept that, what we are getting is not perfect but it is 'just about' or 'just enough', but then even that pain has a quality. A quality of acceptance, acceptance of the truth. When we see outside with a clear unbiased mind we start finding good things as well, things we have not seen before. I too tried the same and i started getting surprises again.

When we say, 'free your mind, free your imagination', ever wondered from what we are trying to free it? it is from your 'self'. We are so much occupied with ourselves that we just dont see the obvious. For most of my life I used to think of myself as OuterMe. I didnt know i had creative instincts, that i can do photography, that i can write, that i have a whole spectrum of capabilites. At one point of time i even thought i am dead and i have lost my ability to feel. But no, we dont die that easily. Creativity and imagination are integrated qualities of us, if we exist then they exist. They come naturally and thats why creation is so satisfying. Nature achieved its biggest feat during evolution, it gave us imagination, an ability to see beyond reality.

We are like grass, it looks like it has become dry but it is not dead really. It is just the way it survives. Let the first drops of rain come and they enliven the will. The will, to rise.

3 Faces of endevourme...I

Photo by - Endevourme

Face-I Outer Me
OuterMe is the person people see when they meet me. The practical side of me, the person who deals with uncertainties and not so perfect side of life. His basic aim is nothing but to survive and to be sane and many times more than this is luxary. Our world is where things can and often do, go wrong. Not that he expects negative things to happen but just that he wants to be mentally prepared. He was perhaps born at the wrong place at the wrong time(nature)and surrounded by people which were themselves not so perfect(nurture). He had a rough childhood, often bullied, outnubered by others where people force impression on your mind,'you dont deserve to exist'. But since he has grown up, he doesnt mind, he accepts the world and people in it as it is. World is imperfect and thats a fact. What people do is just what they do,and we cant reason with them on their terms about what they did to you. And now sometimes when he sees their miserable condition he wonders whether to blame them or to pity them. Impressions of childhood still bother him but he accepts them and even manages to live with them. So as far as life situations are concerned he has only one rule.'Face it!'. He does just that,and he is quite good at that. Its not that he has come out victorious always cause he is a real person. He failed, not always but many times, its not that he is of the unbreakable kind. He broke, often, but sooner or later he recovered. He rarely dreams, for himself, he thinks they make him unstable and he will even ask, 'why to dream when you know that they will never come true?' be practical . So people see him as a low maintenance fellow with a simple lifestyle, not much talkative and bit of reserved. But once you become aquainted then he is a good company. He has friends, not so close cause since childhood he has drawn a circle of caution around himself. And at any cost he will not let you know what lies inside that line. But whatever people think about him, i like him. Most importantly because he has his priorities right, he thinks straight and he is sane. And he has not done bad, he did quite a good career inspite of some of the failures that he had. He faced failures and came up well. There are times when he does more than his expectations but as always he keeps doing a reality check. He is bit hard on himself, with a strict routine and minimal lifestyle. He doesnt have much preferences. He will accept things uncomplainingly. Very few things are perfect, thats what he thinks. He evaluates many things based on their utility and that makes him look emotionaly insensitive. Emotions have given him more pain and misery and they often caused more harm than good. Like others, he never had a guide,people to support and help. And that made him grow independent. If you dont get help outside, you have to help yourself. Read, think, imagine, work and get things done, by facing them.
On a typical saturday morning , you can see him drinking tea at a roadside stall, sitting just next to a daily wage worker and he is at peace sitting there just like that. Thats what keeps him connected to a practical day to day life. Plain down to earth life where main aim is just to exist. He knows that there are people, many people who face life harder and uncertain than himself and no work is good or bad when you do it for survival.
OuterMe is what protects me and thats what makes him sometimes look harsh and insensitive. By being so he protects a hidden, more sensitive side of me. For most of my life i lived primarily as OuterMe. Slowly, over time, he kept learning and kept growing up, understanding better how the world works. And then came a time when he started outperforming himself, sometimes doing things he never thought possible. Then came more dreams for himself, more expectations and more pain. He is efficient, he is good and i adore him but this new life started making him unstable. Many facets of myself started coming into light, but i coudnt accomodate them into this OuterMe. OuterMe is an efficient survival machine, but now nature wanted more out of me. It wanted me to heal, and healing needs you to be sensitive. This person coudnt do that. I was growing, and i needed dreams, mostly to clarify what i really want. They help you to unlearn and help you think more freely. Old habits dont die easily. OuterMe started applying reality checks on my imagination and utility checks on my creativity. I was in a conflict. But i needed OuterMe, for his ability to survive, to go on and on for years, a life which was empty.
Dreams rest on imagination. Sanity rests on reality. And I needed both. Hence it became necessory, to split.

Red...

Photo by - Endevourme

Its was much long time back. I was too young then. May be in 5th standard. There was a building in front of our old house. Once we wanted to fly a kite, my brother, my uncle and I. So up we went. 6 floors up. It was so high. When we reached the terrace, they told me to be careful, not to go near the edge. I didnt understand why they are telling so. I just obeyed them.
If only then...had i just walked...maybe a few paces...and that would be the end of me.
But i didnt.
...for the first time because they told me so
...some years later because i was afraid that it will be so much pain
...sometimes because i was afraid i might live and i will be crippled
...sometimes because i thought i will give myself one more day
...sometimes because i thought nobody would care, they will forget and then it will be in vain
...sometimes because i thought it is cowardness not to face life
...sometimes because i had promised myself in one desperate sad moment, 'i wont..'
...sometimes because i thought i must live for others, cause they have done so much for me
...sometimes because i thought there is still some hope
So many different reasons, but they kept me from crossing that border.
If i could fully believe in traditional concept of god then i would say that, we dont come in this world of our own will. He created us. Thats exactly why he gave us this option, option to end our own life with our own will. This is a test, for him, and he has to convince us that life is worth living so that we dont choose this option. If we lose, he loses. There is this border where sanity ends. Once we cross that, we give our soul to all that filth in the world that we have been hating all along. Crossing that border is when we yield, we give up. Thats when we lose.
Closest to god in my mind is nature and when i really started understanding nature is when i understood that not only life is worth living but rather life is the most important creation as well. It convinced me why the filth i have been hating for so long is necessory and how without that filth this beauty wouldnt exist. We see this insane headless monster outside because of the headless monster of ignorance that lies in our own mind.
And this god, our beautiful nature, gives me only one option...to live.

Half truth...

Photo by - Endevourme

They told me that complete ignorance is better than knowing half the truth. I believed them and it kept me away from the truth. They told me that reality is bad, i too thought so and that made me biased. I kept looking for bad and i found worse. But life is too strong. Too strong to be washed away with these biases. It pulled me out, made me awake and brought me closer. Closer to reality. And when reality stared at me full face is when i understood, that i was right from the beginning and they were wrong. That the most important question is "why?". When you find answer for this is when you understand that there is no one to blame, not man not even fate. Everything happens for reason, a reason so beautiful that its worth more than even our own life. For the one who keeps his eyes open, time resolves this puzzle, it solves everything, slowly, deliberately so that we realize and we understand. And thats why even if everything is not clear at all the times, it doesnt matter. All that matters is to keep searching. With open eyes and without bias. Being deliberately blind is the biggest sin. Perhaps, the only sin.

Why do we care...

Photo by - Endevourme
Somewhere...in this same moment...
someone is laughing out loud on a silly joke
someone is shedding warm, humble tears
someone is holding high a glass and saying 'cheers'
someone is smashing a glass and saying,'oh what the hell'
someone is waiting for someone to come
someone is waiting for someone to leave
someone is praying for well being of someone
someone is cursing the past gone by
someone is sleeping a good nights sleep
someone is lying restless in bed
someone is holding hands of someone else
someone is clasping his own in dispair
someone is giving birth to a child
someone is telling someone,'Its too late'

a bird sits on a branch somewhere,
he knows everything and he is fully aware,
and thats exactly the reason why,
he doesnt care

Ghosts called genes...

Photo by - Endevourme

Experiences...too pure...so much pure that my senses hurt and i ask myself,"how could this be real? no this cant be true, reality cant be so beautiful". Instinctively, i get afraid, afraid that everything will be destroyed, everything will collapse. But i am sure it wont happen, not this time, cause this time the foundations are real and they are glaringly strong. Their immensity surprises me and i am struck with awe. Time has taught me another lesson, that the strongest pillars of my existance come from ashes, ashes of the dead, their sweat, their blood and their will to survive. We are just a medium, and ghosts of the dead live through us. Nothing can stop them, nothing. I had little idea that if I decide to deconstruct, if i decide to break apart, this unknown power will run to me and hold me. Hold me close, and tell me, "Not You dearest, You are important".

Broken Symphony...

Photo by - Endevourme

Last year i happened to go to tanjawur. And i got this flute outside tanjavur temple. As soon as we reached home,i took the flute out and there it was in my hands! my first ever musical instrument! i tried to blow air through it, trying to get some flute-like sound. But..I kept blowing and blowing and what kept coming was just phoo phoo. After sometime i thought, after all it takes some practice and soon i will be able to get something out of it. Suddenly the lights went out and there i was, sitting and waiting on the floor in my room. After waiting for sometime in vain, i got up and started searching for candle in the darkness. As a rule candles always vanish after the lights go out, maybe because they are afraid of fire but it must be somewhere, it must be, and so i kept searching. And suddenly in that darkness, there came a sound, it came from the flute...sound, not the melodious sound of flute, not even 'phoo' but a 'kadak!'. It took me a whole second to grasp that in that darkness, i had actually stomped over my first ever musical instrument!
I simply gave up and never ever thought doing anything with it till i found it yesterday. I tried to 'phoo' but now it sounds better that my erlier 'phoo', and i wonder why. It has a big crack now and maybe i will keep it with me till i get a new one. I think maybe , just maybe... phooing is better than being silent.

My 100th post...

Picture Courtesy - Taare Zameen Par
Though i dont believe in whole numbers, 100 is quite a milestone :D!!

Now its almost 2 years i have been blogging. When i read old posts i can see so much i have changed. And its really amazing how the same person can see the same world so much differently. Its correct, we dont have to be somebody in particular to succeed and thats the beauty of it.
Life has changed, it has become steadily better. And the better it becomes the less i write. Maybe this is how goodness protects itself, maybe...
Where my life will proceed i dont know. And i think this uncertainty is what makes our life interesting cause we dont know what will happen in the future.
I am not boasting but I really think that the picture represents me, endevourme, the most beautiful person i have ever found. He is nothing in particular, he may never be somebody great, he also will be lost in time one day and nobody will know...but...then...nothing lasts forever...nothing. And everything gets forgotten. And thats why its worth trying, trying to be human, trying to be good, because even if we dont succeed, it doesnt matter cause someday everyone will be forgiven and everything will be set right. And i am proud of being what i am cause...i tried...
There are very few who can smile so innocently as the boy in the picture. A smile, not of survival but of celebration. A smile that makes all the struggle worth it and sets everything right.

Afternoon tea party...

Photo by - Endevourme

Clean joy and clear sorrows. No cloud of unnecessory emotions, no fog of confusions. Just a steady, consistant, powerful existance.

Its so much fun to be alive, isnt it? :)

Mirrored in dreams...

Photo by - Endevourme
If you dont know what you are missing, then you wont miss it.
- Doris Lessing

...and the more you dream, the more you know what you are missing.

Happy 2008...

Photo by - Endevourme
I wish all my blogger friends a very very very very happy new year 2008 !!!
May all your beautiful wishes come true :D!!

Designed in genes...

Photo by - Endevourme
Small n tender life, dancing in the blue.
Destined to succeed with iron will to rise.

Looks up at the blue sky and wonders which blue is original.
Making a statement, bold and clear,
"If i dont have right to exist, nothing else has."

It calls me towards itself, smiling, a complete, open, confident smile,
for an embrace, so pure and warm that i fear i might suffocate.

Reality so much like untrue, that my dreams look faded.
and I find myself smiling, a smile of knowing.
Its an echo, an answer ... of one blue to another.

5 people & 4 lifejackets(sitting in desert)

Photo by - Endevourme
What is the meaning of life?I have been searching searching and searching answer of this and consequently getting more and more confused. Is it happiness, love, self realization, self actualization(whats the difference? why cant they make it simple?)spiritual self-identification, etc etc
anyway...here is a good one from Ludwig Wittgenstein -
What is the meaning of life?
Expressed in language, the question is meaningless. This is because "meaning of x" is a term in life usually conveying something regarding the consequences of x, or the significance of x, or that which should be noted regarding x, etc. So when "life" is used as "x" in the term "meaning of x", the statement becomes recursive and therefore nonsensical.

3 monkeys & a coin of gold...

Photo by - Endevourme

I dont know what wishes will come true or whether they will come true at all. i am feeling hopeless. sad. feels like its final. dont know whether i will survive till the end. hopes, they carried me till here but now i am losing patience, desire, and will to go on like this. maybe its not worth, living like this. it always seemed wrong somehow from the beginning. now i dont want hopes, i dont want omens, i want results. give me answer of wrongness, why?is it really good to be so much self sufficient? i feel like a blind man, walking... searching....afraid. there is so much uncertainty. i am tired of being blind. want to see. tired of imagining. it just doesnt satisfy me. what had i done to get this? do i deserve this?

'Some random exerpt from my diary, i dont know the exact date. These are the times when i hide and think and recover. Now-a-days i rarely feel like this, erlier it was quite often. Life too strong to get drowned in this small pond of sadness :D!!'

Thank you...

Photo by - Endevourme

Thank you so very much to all my blogger friends who visit this blog and who helped me to keep this blog going and spared time to put their valuable comments. As i see from hit counters there are lot of steady unknown visits of people who come here but dont comment. So my sincere thanks to all unknown people who are connected to me in this blind way. Even though i am dangerously self sufficient, i really need motivation to keep this blog running.

Cheers! and say 'yes' to life :D!!

- 'E'me

When nature is happy...

Photo by - Endevourme
Thank you dearest GOD for creating this beautiful beautiful beautiful earth. If i have seen you in any form then its this. If i believe that you exist is because i exist and because this beautiful earth exists.

I actually wanted to write about nature, which i love the most. But as i was afraid i run out of words and finally sat blankly staring at the monitor. Nature's beauty is something that really makes me numb, helpless and i struggle for words. Best not to say things which cannot be said but only felt and understood.

Purple Glow...

Photo by - Endevourme

I want to give this flower to PurpleGlow, one of my friends who was there when no one was with me. Dont know where you are now, but i will always remember your friendship and your words, 'when in a crisis, deal with one thing at a time, it will be OK, things will be fine, you will survive'

Phoenix...

Photo by - Endevourme

Rising from ashes....phoenix...

Happy Diwali...

Photo by - Endevourme
Happy Diwali to all my blogger friends :D!!
May this year fill your life with beauty and happiness...and may all your wishes come true!!!

Grey...

Photo by - Endevourme

Time heals and time makes us to forget and makes us feel that what was lost yesterday was not really much important. Or maybe nothing matters really. Most important thing is to accept all and be at peace.

The One...

Photo by -Endevourme

I existed before you did, i will exist after you are gone.

I materialize the beauty that you see. I realize the power that you have. I keep the flow and i make it to stop. I create, i distroy and whatever is being created and destroyed are just different forms of me.

I am the omnipotent, the one, the first and the final truth.

Fly high...

Photo by - Endevourme
Fly high...cause 'flying low' doesnt sound as good.
Fly high...cause there is very less traffic up there.
Fly high...so that everyone can see you when you are alone.
Fly high...cause everything looks good when you are at a distance.
Fly high...cause you can always come down and relax.
Fly high...cause nothing can come between you and a sunset.
Fly high...cause thats why you 've got wings.
Fly high...cause thats when you realize there is someone still higher.

Mixed up!

Photo Courtesy - Google

When nature speaks with colours...

Rise n shine...

Photo by -Endevourme

Never forget how to smile, how to laugh and how to be happy. And never feel guilty about feeling so.

Life in parts...

Photo by - Endevourme

Yes i know and i havent forgotten, "The woods are lovely, dark and deep; but I have promises to keep and, miles to go before I sleep".
But the woods are too lovely, too dark and too deep and they make me stop and wander and feel so rich. Yes, i wont forget the promises i have to keep but still, i will keep my eyes open to see the woods because they are so lovely, dark and deep.

Friends...

Photo by - Endevourme

Friendships dont obey rules of mathematics. One plus one is more than two and one minus one is less than zero.

Complex...

Photo by - Endevourme
Life is vast. Life is complex.
But...still...sometimes....even complex things can be beautiful.

My current bearings...

Photo By - Endevourme

Life is centered around four things...

experiences, feelings, knowledge & expression...

Sleeping...

Photo by - Endevourme

Breathing slowly, relaxed n calm...

Interwined...

Photo by - Endevourme

Creeper clinging to grass...

Being together...

Is love like this?

Or is it being so close that there is no need to be together. Always knowing when the other heart beats and always knowing, when it is hurt. Two grown up souls who realize that the most important thing is to feel what the other one feels and that whatever might happen, life still rocks.

Shades without colours

Photo Courtesy - Google
Who told eyes cant speak?

Innocence

Photo Courtesy - Google

Innocence and freedom, go hand in hand.

Wah Taj

Photo Courtesy - Google

And again there was a campaign, 'Vote for taj'. Help it to come in top 7 wonders of the world. But I didnt vote. You know why? Damn, I dont care about people.
My Taj is the best, and I dont need a stupid public poll to prove that :)

Drowning

Photo Courtesy - Google

I want to stand right there on that bridge, then throw a rope down and save him.

Setting sun

Photo Courtesy - Google

Golden moments,
More valuable than gold :)

Pearls on green

Photo Courtesy - Google

I want those pearls, and the flowers too :)

My dream place

Photo Courtesy - Wiki
I wish to be here. I got this pic from endevourme. He says this is mangalore. I have been to lot of places. I have spent almost five months for vacations in europe and few months in africa with my uncle. But the places that i really enjoy are Egypt and ofcourse India. After seeing everything I know really that India is !ncredible really :)

Seasons gone...

All Photos - Endevourme

Memoirs of last rainy season.

So much i have changed in this one year. And now these pics seem so remote to me. I wonder whether it was really me who took these and whether i was really present there at all. I feel so transparent, i pass through unhurt and indifferent. I just exist, with the wind, with the rains, with the sun and to do nothing but just breathe. Like Ayn Rand says "Feels like nothing significant happened because nothing significant ever happened on earth." But it feels so serene. To be calm, unhurt and innocent.

Silent...

Photo by - Endevourme

Reflecting silently...endevourme...

Smiling buddha - part II

Photo courtesy - Google

My version of smiling buddha :D

I smile a lot and i smile naturally, i mean very few times i force myself a smile. When i was a kid, my first set of teeth was very bad. I used to look really funny when smiling. But finally i got good teeth like my mother has. Have you ever seen a sweet girl in bangalore with loong silky hair, cool dark black eyes and traditional clothing?

If she is smiling then may be its me!

When i first saw this picture, to my surprise, i found myself smiling!

How about you? How often you smile?

...

Photo by - Endevourme

Some selected quotes of Ayn Rand -

The only power any government has is the power to crack down on criminals. Well, when there aren't enough criminals, one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking laws.

Force and mind are opposites; morality ends where a gun begins.

Every man builds his world in his own image. He has the power to choose, but no power to escape the necessity of choice.

Do not ever say that the desire to "do good" by force is a good motive. Neither power-lust nor
stupidity are good motives.

A government is the most dangerous threat to man's rights: it holds a legal monopoly on the use of physical force against legally disarmed victims.

The smallest minority on earth is the individual. Those who deny individual rights cannot claim to be defenders of minorities.

God... a being whose only definition is that he is beyond man's power to conceive.

Evil requires the sanction of the victim.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?

It only stands to reason that where there's sacrifice, there's someone collecting the sacrificial
offerings. Where there's service, there is someone being served. The man who speaks to you of
sacrifice is speaking of slaves and masters, and intends to be the master.

Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values.

Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death.

To say "I love you" one must first be able to say the "I."

Making curry...

Photo by - Endevourme
We eat curry, all of us do. If you dont then probably you live a life where everything is different and whatever i am writing may not make sense to you.
The world we live in has lot of people. Too many of them. Some of them know how to prepare curry and only few can make a tasty one. To make a tasty curry you need to get the formula right. You need vegetables, you need spices, you need salt etc etc. And you need the right proportion.
There are some good things about the world we live in. One of such good things is that the principle of proportion which works for curry, also works for our life. Instead of vegetables, spices n salt etc we have family, career, god etc etc and remember that proportion and balance is more important than the ingredients themselves.
Amazingly, its very easy to make bad curry than a good curry and also that these days nobody wants to do easy things. And also if few people can make good curry then few people can make good life. Check others, if their curry is spoilt then may be you have a good chance. There is something more special about curry. Smaller the quantity better the taste. So prepare your curry only as much as you need. Dont overdo. And dont take everything seriously as overcooking your curry also spoils it. Already feel that your curry is spoilt? doesnt matter cause very few people make it better than you have done and few people have life worth calling life.
When i started making my curry i had something in mind but it went bad somewhere but i did some manipulation and now its some different kind of curry. But its tasty. Tastier than what i had in mind when i started making it. And it was fun. It wouldnt be fun if we start with a formula and everything goes smooth isnt it? it would be so predictable and boring, like cooks in hotels, they make tasty food but they hardly like it. I think being cook is like being god, its so boring being god. And yes, taste is what we want isnt it? how easily we forget that our main aim in life is to be happy!

Waking Up...

Photo by - Endevourme

I am waking up...bit by bit...to reality.
And it is much much better than what i had imagined.

Committed...to life

Photo by - Endevourme

We keep running for many things in life thinking that what we are doing is correct. And then after some time we feel that no this is not enough its not taking me anywhere and i am just not happy. And then we look inside and we think spirituality is the key and we start running behind beliefs and theories. But again we are running. Running...running...running...
i too did the same. i was running because others were running. i knew that nobody else is happy but no i didnt want to listen and i kept going and going. Somewhere down the line i was exhausted i was dead tired and i stopped. Then i looked back and found that i was much more happy at the place i began and i was just being so stupid running all this time. May be...purpose of life is just life and nothing else and just because we need some drama, we keep looking for some other purpose in life. The happiest person i have seen in my life was my great-grandmother and she was happy because she was always fully commited to life. When i stopped running and became more involved in life i am finding that yes this is what i wanted and the most courageous and purposeful thing is to face and accept life as it is, to accept neither positively nor negatively but as it is. We love nature, why because its so full of life, its so juicey, so involved and so committed. There is so much love and so much power. Its real cause real love is never weak, its always strong. Powerful, nurturing and self sufficient.

In a soldier's mind...

Photo by - Endevourme

Once again i want to stroll along those lanes,
the green fields, the cool air, with fallen leaves rustling below our feet and birds chirping their sweet nothings...
one more time...just one more time...i want to call your name and see you turn to look at me, the sparkle in your eyes and sunshine on your face and live forever in that complete moment.
With all the warmth and life in my eyes, i long for you,
...behind enemy lines...for the one waiting for me in the green fields beyond...
so much i miss you...