Asmi all alone

Photo Courtesy - Google
Hubby will be back next week, after 3 months :)
Why do people have to go away ?

Seeking truth...

Photo by - Endevourme

Some selected quotes by Richard Dawkins -
(I personally recommend to read "Devils Chaplain" by Dawkins. Must read for all!)

It's been suggested that if the supernaturalists really had the powers they claim, they'd win the lottery every week. I prefer to point out that they could also win a Nobel Prize for discovering fundamental physical forces hitherto unknown to science. Either way, why are they wasting their talents doing party turns on television?

I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.

The popularity of the paranormal, oddly enough, might even be grounds for encouragement . I think that the appetite for mystery, the enthusiasm for that which we do not understand, is healthy and to be fostered. It is the same appetite which drives the best of true science, and it is an appetite which true science is best qualified to satisfy.
You don't have to be a scientist - you don't have to play the bunsen burner - in order to understand enough science to overtake your imagined need and fill that fancied gap. Science needs to be released from the lab into the culture.

One of the things that is wrong with religion is that it teaches us to be satisfied with answers which are not really answers at all.

Religion is about turning untested belief into unshakable truth through the power of institutions and the passage of time.

Isn't it sad to go to your grave without ever wondering why you were born? Who, with such a thought, would not spring from bed, eager to resume discovering the world and rejoicing to be part of it?

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

Personally, I rather look forward to a computer program winning the world chess championship. Humanity needs a lesson in humility.

The world and the universe is an extremely beautiful place, and the more we understand about it the more beautiful does it appear. It is an immensely exciting experience to be born in the world, born in the universe, and look around you and realize that before you die you have the opportunity of understanding an immense amount about that world and about that universe and about life and about why we're here. We have the opportunity of understanding far, far more than any of our predecessors ever. That is such an exciting possibility, it would be such a shame to blow it and end your life not having understood what there is to understand.

....& the last one is so much true in my own case! and when you realize this naa, you feel all the pain was worth it...life rocks really :D!!

Rising sun...

Photo by - Endevourme

Rising sun...bringing with it the promise of today!

Like that song of brian adams,

It's a new world - it's a new start, it's alive with the beating of young hearts, it's a new day - it's a new plan. Here we are - we've just begun, and after all this time - our time has come, here we are - still goin' strong right here is the place where we belong. Here I am - next to you and suddenly the world is all brand new. Here I am - where I'm gonna stay and now there's nothin standin in our way

Here I am - this is me. There's no where else on earth I'd rather be...

Spice n Curry!

Photo Courtesy - Google

Today was my final day of lunch-at-office - I did not bring lunch from home the whole of this week because the mom-cook-alike maid is not well. And since I love experimenting, I think that you have to eat at least small amount of food outside once in a while to realize the worth of home-cooked food! I am not good at cooking thanks to first my mom and then to mom-cook-alike maid who cooks for us here in canada. These people have pampered me with their delicious-consistent home-made-food and now i am afraid how i will survive if left alone. After waking up from one-hour-seemingly-never-ending meeting at office, I headed to Mirchi, an indian-canadian restaurant that happens to be just around the corner. Handling hunger-pangs at midday was ordinary, but ruminating as to what to eat for lunch was special. So, today was no exception with respect to this strangeness as I seriously gave a thought to the menu for lunch. As I am identity-less daughter of mom-north-indian-dad-south-indian parents, I am not typically against anything in indian food. After running through thick-leather-multipaged-menu, finally, I settled for the good old exotic bengali fish curry meal. Sadly, I managed to finish it off in 10 minutes and went again for a second round with aaloo paratha with pickle!. Even this was not enough so i went back to thick-leather-multipaged-menu, ignoring irritating glance from waiter thinking she-looks-so-lean-how-can-she-eat-so-much. As it was supposed to be quick lunch, I ordered thick tall glass of fruit salad with two scoops icecream for a round of dessert. I tend to take pleasure in whatever I eat and I have no care about it. But if you imagine me licking fingers and all stuff, let me clarify - no, i dont do all that. Being brought up in a high family, I can eat like a high-class girl outside and enjoy it too. So, here I was, savoring every spoon of my sweet mouth watering dessert and lost in my own world when I happened to see the table opposite mine. A German guy there was taking in the scene before him, with a most amused expression. At these moments my mind snaps to handle-a guy-staring-at-you mode. Since he was not indian, I stared rudely at him meaning mind-your-business for sometime and continued eating; nothing can come between me and food and that includes a german fellow. I don’t waste energy in staring at indian guys staring at me, I just ignore them. Having (sorrowfully) done with the last eatable on my table, I was on my way out when I heard a pleasant voice above my head, "Do you know that you happen to look quite amusing while eating?” I looked up to find the same german guy smiling at me. I nodded quick up and down in response and made a quick exit.

Why so many colors?

Photo Courtesy - Google

It was a week before the markets crashed. I was talking to daddy on phone about what should be the theme for his bought-for-cheap-now-being-renovated hotel at jaipur. He always asks me about aesthetics and stuff like that and values my opinions more than my dear bro's. Suddenly he became serious and asked in grave voice,'Asmi you did quite well in the past one year and i am very happy, you know, i always felt you too had that sense of what is good'. The fact was I did lot of humpty dumpty investments initially without asking him and finally ended up wasting some of my hard earned salaried money. I bootstrapped and was doing good for almost a year now and this was the first time dad was appreciating me. 'But beta it is bit tricky now and this time you have to do as i say', he said. I became cautious, when he is serious he means it. He fired some rapid instructions as to what to keep what to sell and all that. I took the day off and started doing just exactly as he had said. Its bit difficult you know to do transactions with different currencies for indian markets sitting in canada. Hubby happened to check our account in the afternoon and he become worried. He called me up and asked,'what are you upto?'. I just said,'dad told dear'. He said,'ok, go ahead'. The thing is though my hubby is quite young-and-lucky-notsoproud-but-succesful businessman, he is afraid of my dad. Quite so. Might be because dad has capacity to feed us and our next 7 generations happily, if he decides to. After a week or so the markets collapsed but we were already on the safer side. When i talked to hubby after that he just said,'hmmm... i knew that would happen'. Simply men, cant help them with their ego.

But my dad rarely becomes serious like this with me. Before marriage when i was pathetically-working-all-day-to-get-middleclass-salary and then throwing all money down the drain on silly-immature-market-speculation, he kept cool. As I am very proud girl (my name also implies that :)) , i wouldnt tell dad that i lost money so stupidly but ultimately he used to find out everything from my mother. He never discussed it though, he would just see that i am sad and then he would pull me out to play golf. He looks you know like a high cultured raymond-complete-man who was born-to-play-golf! But he was not born like that, i know, and mom knows better :)

Asmita-Tagged!!!

Photo Courtesy - Google
E'me has told to write 6 random things about myself. He told me this is called tag in blogsworld. So here we go! enjoy maadi :-)
1. I own two horses. Alex and Nikki. Yes, these names come from 'Fullhouse', my all time favourite! They are with my dad now along with 6 of his own.
2. I met my hubby 2 months back and now it seems like a long time. TeeHee!.
3. I hate all men who try to give emotional support just because i am away from my hubby. I dont need them, perhaps they do. Sometimes i wish i werent as good looking as i am now.
4. I have 19 pairs of footwear. I never wear most of them!
5. My dad is the most important man in my life. Hubby comes next HeeHee :)
6. When i was young, i used to dream of being a housewife like my mom. Guess it will never come true!
I have been told that after this i have to tag someone. I would love to do this but i dont know anyone here, so whoever wants can take it happily :)

3 faces of endevourme...III

Photo by - Endevourme
Please read earlier two posts if you have not read, to understand this one better.

When i decided to split the roles, i thought i will have to deal with two personalities and it will be convenient. I was right, but only partially, life became simpler really. But then happened something that i had not earlier thought of. Even after splitting, my mind kept itself integrated. There were OuterMe, DreaMe and yet another Me, my integrated self. Our mind always shows us life as a consistant story. We go through life as a sequence of experiences and our 'self' is what binds this story together, story which we call as 'my life'. If there are two different personalities which are inaccessible to each other then there are two different stories, which is inconsistant(something similar happens with dissociative identity disorder or split personality). But a sane mind is self-organizing. My mind kept itself consistant, with an integrated third personality, an integrated self or Me, the story of whom encapsulates everything. This Me is what keeps everything bound together, it decides to switch between the other two and full range of capacities is accessible to it. Now why do i switch to one end or the other? why cant i stay always as Me?Me is highly powerful but Me is also highly complex, complex to such an extent that he tends to seem irrational. To our mind, OuterMe and DreaMe are two extreme ends, handling them at the same time is difficult. We see people which are down to earth, which stick to die hard reality, facing imperfect side of life. We also see people who are imaginative and sensitive. But we rarely see a person who is blend of both. Different types of people are successful in different ways but i wanted to give chance to most of the abilities that i have. Having an integrated Me as a combined OuterMe and DreaMe makes my life extremely complex. It leads to lot of internal conflicts, because these two personalities have different goals and different needs. But when i become one or the other, the goals are perfectly defined, i know what exactly i need to do, and that reduces conflicts greatly. Mind is more focused and it is more efficient as well. If i am at office and i get tonnes of workload, i switch to OuterMe, person who deals with crisis efficiently and coolly, without expecting much and accepting that things can go wrong. If i am at home and comfortable, my mind switches to DreaMe, a gentle, refined and sensitive person. If i start being sensitive at work, i wont be able handle it and if i stick to strict schedule at home then i wont be able to enjoy my hobbies. Both the personalities serve different purposes and both have different needs too. OuterMe is more 'problem oriented', his purpose of existance is to solve problems. If there are no problems then he is of no use. We dont need army if we know there wont be any war. DreaMe is vulnerable and he needs to be protected. Like everything else, nothing is completely black or completely white, but rather we have multiple shades of gray. Sometimes i need creative instincts at work, some shades of ideas which make my work simpler and more interesting. Also, imagination happens to be a crucible where i try out my behaviour while dealing with real people. These are the times when i am gray, i am somewhere in between.

It is a damp cloudy afternoon of rainy season. I am sitting in the corridor in front of my house. There is a cat resting on my lap. Simple creature with a simple mind. We are relaxed, witnessing the drag of a slow afternoon. After some time, wind starts blowing hard and along with that, it starts bringing few drops of rain too. Slowly the drizzling picks up speed and it starts pouring. The atmosphere is filled with a steady sound of rain. Slowly, at some places small ponds begin to form. Water accumulates, and it flows. I can see drops of water on leaves, on blades of grass. The wind is still blowing and along with that it brings small droplets of water, in sudden bursts of fine droplets. I feel the drops on my skin, the cat can feel them too and we together share a moment. A moment when we, the living things, feel. Moments that show us the promise, promise of creation, promise of existance, promise of new life. Moments of existance when my dreams look faded. Both of us see that and both of us feel the freshness and liveliness, almost exactly the same way.

These are moments when it doesnt matter what you are or who you are. Doesnt matter what you do to survive or how complex you are. Just matters is that you exist. Its such a wonder that life exists...and that we exist.

3 faces of endevourme...II

Photo by - Endevourme
Face-II DreaMe and his pond of dreams
Someday...i would like to climb mount everest and see sunrise from the top, looking at the thick blanket of clouds below
Someday...i would like to be a new born baby and start it fresh all over again
Someday...i would like to join back perfectly a broken glass
Someday...i would like to swim in the blue ocean and play with dolphins
Someday...i would like to fly like a bird on vast unending land, then cross borders without passport and visa, and think what i lost and what i gained being a human
Someday...i would like to go to the moon, point my finger towards beautiful earth and say "do u see that blue planet?.... you know i have been there..."
Someday...i would like to go straight, take left then go straight, take left go straight, take left go straight and then wonder how i reached the same place again
Someday...i would like to live in a jungle, get drenched in rain and then drink hot fuming tea
Someday...i would like to grow very very old, and then sit in a chair and tell big...big...stories to small.. small.. children
Someday...i would like to sit relaxed in sand, sipping orange juice listening to the music of waves
Someday...i would like to become a crow and join weekly meeting of crows on our terrace, discussing conspiracy about yesterday's rain , 'Yeh saajish hain boondonki...'
Someday...i would like to become a music director, deremix® 'oooo hoozoooooor...' and make a new album on gramophone
Someday...i would like to discuss with Albert Einstein about solution on corruption and see all his hair standing up straight
Someday...i would like to run alone in Olympics, and win first second and third place at the same time
Someday...i would like to dive deep into ocean where Titanic sank and find the diamond necklace dropped by Rose
Someday...i would like to lie down below clear open black sky on a cold night with a blanket, counting stars, wondering how small we are...
Someday...i would like to find the key, open the door and run through vast open grass field and shout, 'i.... am...... free...'
Someday...i would like to know, why HE made me?...

I know perfectly that very few wishes like these will come true in my lifetime. But does being so make them less precious? We cant always measure things based on whether they are possible or not. We are small, we are imperfect and we live in a world which is imperfect. Thats why we have been given imagination, to see things which dont exist so that even if the world around you is imperfect, you still can have a taste of perfection.
Earlier i used to dream for myself, as everyone does, but then mind doesnt free itself, rather it tends to stick to reality. So now the person who lives in my dreams is not OuterMe but is another face of me, he is DreaMe. A character whose purpose is just only that, to exist in my dreams.
DreaMe lives a perfect life. He was born at the right time at the right place(nature) surrounded by people which were themselves perfect(nurture). He was born somewhere around 1920 because i love the good old times. People and life both were so simple. He was brought up in a well cultured family. He is not too rich to be spoilt and not too less to worry about money, rather, the concern of money doesnt come up in dreams. He is well educated, had an education without mental tensions(before this i didnt know that education can be so wonderful, it can make creativity inside you boil). He is decent, well mannered, mannerism means only comfortable one which comes from natural social freeness. There is also a she perfect. She is beautiful, she is calm, they are a perfect match and they have the loveliest life together. Fortunately we have ample love songs and many of them go perfectly with their moments of affection. Its really wonderful how our mind can show us a world by blending reality(music) with imagination. Here life is not at all fast but it drags much slowly. There is enough time to communicate feelings and easy unhurriedness to appreciate precious moments. His life has drama because there is a sensuous pleasure in drama especially in anticipating good moments. There is uncertainty but situations always end up in happy endings.
The purpose of dreaming like this is not to run away from reality because remember that OuterMe is facing it. Rather the purpose is to come closer to reality, in a more final sense. As a child we see a fresh world, with a surprise of seeing a new creation. But as we grow up we stop getting surprises. We think this is because we are grown ups and we know so much. But infact the reason is not that we have grown up but that we have stopped exploring, we have stopped seeing. As we grow up and we mature, gradually our vision gets coloured. We see the world from point of view of our 'self', with respect to our identity, identity which is a concept of what we think we are. As i grew up i found myself changing and there is a huge difference between what i was few years back and what i am now. If i see the world from the point of view of my older self then it looks like a really horrible place. But if i see it now, then, its not that bad after all. We are not born in a perfect environment and not all of us are young and with impeccable health with a clean mind. But if we were, then would we see the world in the same way? We put limits on the way we see the possibilities because the possibilities are for 'us', or rather for what we think of ourselves. But if we had a perfect unbiased mind then we would have seen things in a much better perspective than we do now.
It really takes effort to imagine your own self, with a healthy, open, free mind. We always carry our imperfections, our guilts, our expectations with us, even to our dreams. At some point of time we decide,'yes, this is me, this is how the world is, this is my life and this is what will happen to me'. Our entire life runs around this,'me' and somewhere we settle down to that. We stop exploring. We form a concept of world,'this is how it is' and we stick to it. We just dont have the courage to go and see what lies outside because we think it will give pain to us. But while doing so we also miss the good part of it. Most important thing to do is to accept, accept what is good and what is not. Few years back I too started accepting, i stopped lying to myself that i am satisfied with everything that exists in the world and the way things are. This was when i really grew up. It takes courage, courage to accept that some things are not perfect instead of just being satisfied with whatever is thrown to us. It is painful to accept that, what we are getting is not perfect but it is 'just about' or 'just enough', but then even that pain has a quality. A quality of acceptance, acceptance of the truth. When we see outside with a clear unbiased mind we start finding good things as well, things we have not seen before. I too tried the same and i started getting surprises again.

When we say, 'free your mind, free your imagination', ever wondered from what we are trying to free it? it is from your 'self'. We are so much occupied with ourselves that we just dont see the obvious. For most of my life I used to think of myself as OuterMe. I didnt know i had creative instincts, that i can do photography, that i can write, that i have a whole spectrum of capabilites. At one point of time i even thought i am dead and i have lost my ability to feel. But no, we dont die that easily. Creativity and imagination are integrated qualities of us, if we exist then they exist. They come naturally and thats why creation is so satisfying. Nature achieved its biggest feat during evolution, it gave us imagination, an ability to see beyond reality.

We are like grass, it looks like it has become dry but it is not dead really. It is just the way it survives. Let the first drops of rain come and they enliven the will. The will, to rise.

3 Faces of endevourme...I

Photo by - Endevourme

Face-I Outer Me
OuterMe is the person people see when they meet me. The practical side of me, the person who deals with uncertainties and not so perfect side of life. His basic aim is nothing but to survive and to be sane and many times more than this is luxary. Our world is where things can and often do, go wrong. Not that he expects negative things to happen but just that he wants to be mentally prepared. He was perhaps born at the wrong place at the wrong time(nature)and surrounded by people which were themselves not so perfect(nurture). He had a rough childhood, often bullied, outnubered by others where people force impression on your mind,'you dont deserve to exist'. But since he has grown up, he doesnt mind, he accepts the world and people in it as it is. World is imperfect and thats a fact. What people do is just what they do,and we cant reason with them on their terms about what they did to you. And now sometimes when he sees their miserable condition he wonders whether to blame them or to pity them. Impressions of childhood still bother him but he accepts them and even manages to live with them. So as far as life situations are concerned he has only one rule.'Face it!'. He does just that,and he is quite good at that. Its not that he has come out victorious always cause he is a real person. He failed, not always but many times, its not that he is of the unbreakable kind. He broke, often, but sooner or later he recovered. He rarely dreams, for himself, he thinks they make him unstable and he will even ask, 'why to dream when you know that they will never come true?' be practical . So people see him as a low maintenance fellow with a simple lifestyle, not much talkative and bit of reserved. But once you become aquainted then he is a good company. He has friends, not so close cause since childhood he has drawn a circle of caution around himself. And at any cost he will not let you know what lies inside that line. But whatever people think about him, i like him. Most importantly because he has his priorities right, he thinks straight and he is sane. And he has not done bad, he did quite a good career inspite of some of the failures that he had. He faced failures and came up well. There are times when he does more than his expectations but as always he keeps doing a reality check. He is bit hard on himself, with a strict routine and minimal lifestyle. He doesnt have much preferences. He will accept things uncomplainingly. Very few things are perfect, thats what he thinks. He evaluates many things based on their utility and that makes him look emotionaly insensitive. Emotions have given him more pain and misery and they often caused more harm than good. Like others, he never had a guide,people to support and help. And that made him grow independent. If you dont get help outside, you have to help yourself. Read, think, imagine, work and get things done, by facing them.
On a typical saturday morning , you can see him drinking tea at a roadside stall, sitting just next to a daily wage worker and he is at peace sitting there just like that. Thats what keeps him connected to a practical day to day life. Plain down to earth life where main aim is just to exist. He knows that there are people, many people who face life harder and uncertain than himself and no work is good or bad when you do it for survival.
OuterMe is what protects me and thats what makes him sometimes look harsh and insensitive. By being so he protects a hidden, more sensitive side of me. For most of my life i lived primarily as OuterMe. Slowly, over time, he kept learning and kept growing up, understanding better how the world works. And then came a time when he started outperforming himself, sometimes doing things he never thought possible. Then came more dreams for himself, more expectations and more pain. He is efficient, he is good and i adore him but this new life started making him unstable. Many facets of myself started coming into light, but i coudnt accomodate them into this OuterMe. OuterMe is an efficient survival machine, but now nature wanted more out of me. It wanted me to heal, and healing needs you to be sensitive. This person coudnt do that. I was growing, and i needed dreams, mostly to clarify what i really want. They help you to unlearn and help you think more freely. Old habits dont die easily. OuterMe started applying reality checks on my imagination and utility checks on my creativity. I was in a conflict. But i needed OuterMe, for his ability to survive, to go on and on for years, a life which was empty.
Dreams rest on imagination. Sanity rests on reality. And I needed both. Hence it became necessory, to split.

Red...

Photo by - Endevourme

Its was much long time back. I was too young then. May be in 5th standard. There was a building in front of our old house. Once we wanted to fly a kite, my brother, my uncle and I. So up we went. 6 floors up. It was so high. When we reached the terrace, they told me to be careful, not to go near the edge. I didnt understand why they are telling so. I just obeyed them.
If only then...had i just walked...maybe a few paces...and that would be the end of me.
But i didnt.
...for the first time because they told me so
...some years later because i was afraid that it will be so much pain
...sometimes because i was afraid i might live and i will be crippled
...sometimes because i thought i will give myself one more day
...sometimes because i thought nobody would care, they will forget and then it will be in vain
...sometimes because i thought it is cowardness not to face life
...sometimes because i had promised myself in one desperate sad moment, 'i wont..'
...sometimes because i thought i must live for others, cause they have done so much for me
...sometimes because i thought there is still some hope
So many different reasons, but they kept me from crossing that border.
If i could fully believe in traditional concept of god then i would say that, we dont come in this world of our own will. He created us. Thats exactly why he gave us this option, option to end our own life with our own will. This is a test, for him, and he has to convince us that life is worth living so that we dont choose this option. If we lose, he loses. There is this border where sanity ends. Once we cross that, we give our soul to all that filth in the world that we have been hating all along. Crossing that border is when we yield, we give up. Thats when we lose.
Closest to god in my mind is nature and when i really started understanding nature is when i understood that not only life is worth living but rather life is the most important creation as well. It convinced me why the filth i have been hating for so long is necessory and how without that filth this beauty wouldnt exist. We see this insane headless monster outside because of the headless monster of ignorance that lies in our own mind.
And this god, our beautiful nature, gives me only one option...to live.

Half truth...

Photo by - Endevourme

They told me that complete ignorance is better than knowing half the truth. I believed them and it kept me away from the truth. They told me that reality is bad, i too thought so and that made me biased. I kept looking for bad and i found worse. But life is too strong. Too strong to be washed away with these biases. It pulled me out, made me awake and brought me closer. Closer to reality. And when reality stared at me full face is when i understood, that i was right from the beginning and they were wrong. That the most important question is "why?". When you find answer for this is when you understand that there is no one to blame, not man not even fate. Everything happens for reason, a reason so beautiful that its worth more than even our own life. For the one who keeps his eyes open, time resolves this puzzle, it solves everything, slowly, deliberately so that we realize and we understand. And thats why even if everything is not clear at all the times, it doesnt matter. All that matters is to keep searching. With open eyes and without bias. Being deliberately blind is the biggest sin. Perhaps, the only sin.

Why do we care...

Photo by - Endevourme
Somewhere...in this same moment...
someone is laughing out loud on a silly joke
someone is shedding warm, humble tears
someone is holding high a glass and saying 'cheers'
someone is smashing a glass and saying,'oh what the hell'
someone is waiting for someone to come
someone is waiting for someone to leave
someone is praying for well being of someone
someone is cursing the past gone by
someone is sleeping a good nights sleep
someone is lying restless in bed
someone is holding hands of someone else
someone is clasping his own in dispair
someone is giving birth to a child
someone is telling someone,'Its too late'

a bird sits on a branch somewhere,
he knows everything and he is fully aware,
and thats exactly the reason why,
he doesnt care

Ghosts called genes...

Photo by - Endevourme

Experiences...too pure...so much pure that my senses hurt and i ask myself,"how could this be real? no this cant be true, reality cant be so beautiful". Instinctively, i get afraid, afraid that everything will be destroyed, everything will collapse. But i am sure it wont happen, not this time, cause this time the foundations are real and they are glaringly strong. Their immensity surprises me and i am struck with awe. Time has taught me another lesson, that the strongest pillars of my existance come from ashes, ashes of the dead, their sweat, their blood and their will to survive. We are just a medium, and ghosts of the dead live through us. Nothing can stop them, nothing. I had little idea that if I decide to deconstruct, if i decide to break apart, this unknown power will run to me and hold me. Hold me close, and tell me, "Not You dearest, You are important".

Broken Symphony...

Photo by - Endevourme

Last year i happened to go to tanjawur. And i got this flute outside tanjavur temple. As soon as we reached home,i took the flute out and there it was in my hands! my first ever musical instrument! i tried to blow air through it, trying to get some flute-like sound. But..I kept blowing and blowing and what kept coming was just phoo phoo. After sometime i thought, after all it takes some practice and soon i will be able to get something out of it. Suddenly the lights went out and there i was, sitting and waiting on the floor in my room. After waiting for sometime in vain, i got up and started searching for candle in the darkness. As a rule candles always vanish after the lights go out, maybe because they are afraid of fire but it must be somewhere, it must be, and so i kept searching. And suddenly in that darkness, there came a sound, it came from the flute...sound, not the melodious sound of flute, not even 'phoo' but a 'kadak!'. It took me a whole second to grasp that in that darkness, i had actually stomped over my first ever musical instrument!
I simply gave up and never ever thought doing anything with it till i found it yesterday. I tried to 'phoo' but now it sounds better that my erlier 'phoo', and i wonder why. It has a big crack now and maybe i will keep it with me till i get a new one. I think maybe , just maybe... phooing is better than being silent.

My 100th post...

Picture Courtesy - Taare Zameen Par
Though i dont believe in whole numbers, 100 is quite a milestone :D!!

Now its almost 2 years i have been blogging. When i read old posts i can see so much i have changed. And its really amazing how the same person can see the same world so much differently. Its correct, we dont have to be somebody in particular to succeed and thats the beauty of it.
Life has changed, it has become steadily better. And the better it becomes the less i write. Maybe this is how goodness protects itself, maybe...
Where my life will proceed i dont know. And i think this uncertainty is what makes our life interesting cause we dont know what will happen in the future.
I am not boasting but I really think that the picture represents me, endevourme, the most beautiful person i have ever found. He is nothing in particular, he may never be somebody great, he also will be lost in time one day and nobody will know...but...then...nothing lasts forever...nothing. And everything gets forgotten. And thats why its worth trying, trying to be human, trying to be good, because even if we dont succeed, it doesnt matter cause someday everyone will be forgiven and everything will be set right. And i am proud of being what i am cause...i tried...
There are very few who can smile so innocently as the boy in the picture. A smile, not of survival but of celebration. A smile that makes all the struggle worth it and sets everything right.

Afternoon tea party...

Photo by - Endevourme

Clean joy and clear sorrows. No cloud of unnecessory emotions, no fog of confusions. Just a steady, consistant, powerful existance.

Its so much fun to be alive, isnt it? :)

Mirrored in dreams...

Photo by - Endevourme
If you dont know what you are missing, then you wont miss it.
- Doris Lessing

...and the more you dream, the more you know what you are missing.

Happy 2008...

Photo by - Endevourme
I wish all my blogger friends a very very very very happy new year 2008 !!!
May all your beautiful wishes come true :D!!

Designed in genes...

Photo by - Endevourme
Small n tender life, dancing in the blue.
Destined to succeed with iron will to rise.

Looks up at the blue sky and wonders which blue is original.
Making a statement, bold and clear,
"If i dont have right to exist, nothing else has."

It calls me towards itself, smiling, a complete, open, confident smile,
for an embrace, so pure and warm that i fear i might suffocate.

Reality so much like untrue, that my dreams look faded.
and I find myself smiling, a smile of knowing.
Its an echo, an answer ... of one blue to another.

5 people & 4 lifejackets(sitting in desert)

Photo by - Endevourme
What is the meaning of life?I have been searching searching and searching answer of this and consequently getting more and more confused. Is it happiness, love, self realization, self actualization(whats the difference? why cant they make it simple?)spiritual self-identification, etc etc
anyway...here is a good one from Ludwig Wittgenstein -
What is the meaning of life?
Expressed in language, the question is meaningless. This is because "meaning of x" is a term in life usually conveying something regarding the consequences of x, or the significance of x, or that which should be noted regarding x, etc. So when "life" is used as "x" in the term "meaning of x", the statement becomes recursive and therefore nonsensical.