Red...

Photo by - Endevourme

Its was much long time back. I was too young then. May be in 5th standard. There was a building in front of our old house. Once we wanted to fly a kite, my brother, my uncle and I. So up we went. 6 floors up. It was so high. When we reached the terrace, they told me to be careful, not to go near the edge. I didnt understand why they are telling so. I just obeyed them.
If only then...had i just walked...maybe a few paces...and that would be the end of me.
But i didnt.
...for the first time because they told me so
...some years later because i was afraid that it will be so much pain
...sometimes because i was afraid i might live and i will be crippled
...sometimes because i thought i will give myself one more day
...sometimes because i thought nobody would care, they will forget and then it will be in vain
...sometimes because i thought it is cowardness not to face life
...sometimes because i had promised myself in one desperate sad moment, 'i wont..'
...sometimes because i thought i must live for others, cause they have done so much for me
...sometimes because i thought there is still some hope
So many different reasons, but they kept me from crossing that border.
If i could fully believe in traditional concept of god then i would say that, we dont come in this world of our own will. He created us. Thats exactly why he gave us this option, option to end our own life with our own will. This is a test, for him, and he has to convince us that life is worth living so that we dont choose this option. If we lose, he loses. There is this border where sanity ends. Once we cross that, we give our soul to all that filth in the world that we have been hating all along. Crossing that border is when we yield, we give up. Thats when we lose.
Closest to god in my mind is nature and when i really started understanding nature is when i understood that not only life is worth living but rather life is the most important creation as well. It convinced me why the filth i have been hating for so long is necessory and how without that filth this beauty wouldnt exist. We see this insane headless monster outside because of the headless monster of ignorance that lies in our own mind.
And this god, our beautiful nature, gives me only one option...to live.

Half truth...

Photo by - Endevourme

They told me that complete ignorance is better than knowing half the truth. I believed them and it kept me away from the truth. They told me that reality is bad, i too thought so and that made me biased. I kept looking for bad and i found worse. But life is too strong. Too strong to be washed away with these biases. It pulled me out, made me awake and brought me closer. Closer to reality. And when reality stared at me full face is when i understood, that i was right from the beginning and they were wrong. That the most important question is "why?". When you find answer for this is when you understand that there is no one to blame, not man not even fate. Everything happens for reason, a reason so beautiful that its worth more than even our own life. For the one who keeps his eyes open, time resolves this puzzle, it solves everything, slowly, deliberately so that we realize and we understand. And thats why even if everything is not clear at all the times, it doesnt matter. All that matters is to keep searching. With open eyes and without bias. Being deliberately blind is the biggest sin. Perhaps, the only sin.

Why do we care...

Photo by - Endevourme
Somewhere...in this same moment...
someone is laughing out loud on a silly joke
someone is shedding warm, humble tears
someone is holding high a glass and saying 'cheers'
someone is smashing a glass and saying,'oh what the hell'
someone is waiting for someone to come
someone is waiting for someone to leave
someone is praying for well being of someone
someone is cursing the past gone by
someone is sleeping a good nights sleep
someone is lying restless in bed
someone is holding hands of someone else
someone is clasping his own in dispair
someone is giving birth to a child
someone is telling someone,'Its too late'

a bird sits on a branch somewhere,
he knows everything and he is fully aware,
and thats exactly the reason why,
he doesnt care

Ghosts called genes...

Photo by - Endevourme

Experiences...too pure...so much pure that my senses hurt and i ask myself,"how could this be real? no this cant be true, reality cant be so beautiful". Instinctively, i get afraid, afraid that everything will be destroyed, everything will collapse. But i am sure it wont happen, not this time, cause this time the foundations are real and they are glaringly strong. Their immensity surprises me and i am struck with awe. Time has taught me another lesson, that the strongest pillars of my existance come from ashes, ashes of the dead, their sweat, their blood and their will to survive. We are just a medium, and ghosts of the dead live through us. Nothing can stop them, nothing. I had little idea that if I decide to deconstruct, if i decide to break apart, this unknown power will run to me and hold me. Hold me close, and tell me, "Not You dearest, You are important".